Monthly Archives: May 2012

a prayer

Standard

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

Some most of these words are ones that I never thought I would be asking God for, that my prayers would be filled with “make me broken, lonely and empty”. When I heard this song for the first time yesterday it fit perfectly in its place with where I’m at right now, and I knew that this was God reaching out to me trying to show me how much He wants me to run to Him.

A few weeks ago I read something in Life of the Beloved, by Henri Nouwen about being broken. He said that “the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it. When brokenness is, in fact, just as intimate a part of our being as our chosenness and blessedness, we have to dare to overcome our fear and become familiar with it.” I have been through some very drastic highs and lows this semester, and not ’til recently did I begin to look at  these things as gifts in a way. Without some of these things I wouldn’t be who I am not and I would probably be doing my own thing and have given up on trying to find God. One of the things that I’ve learned through these past few months about these struggles has been in where I place my value. Most of it is in people at the moment, which is why it hurts so much.

“Make me empty
So I can be filled
Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me”

I want to be able to say that God is what fills me up, where I find joy, comfort, reassurance, direction. I can’t say “I’m completed when You are with me”…it’s more like “I know I will be completed with You here with me”. Lately the way that I look at songs has changed, instead of singing that God is enough for me, and that I stand in awe of Him…when that’s not where my heart is majority of the time, in fullness…I’ve been singing these songs more as a prayer, as a request to God to help me make this my life.

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely”

In the beginning of the year I looked at my time and its value in terms of how many and which people I spent time with. So when the answer to that was low, or no one…I would get very discouraged. But as the months have rolled by, I’ve had more experiences of all kinds around this subject, I’ve began to look at time alone differently. I like always having people around, even if it’s just simply doing HW together, just having someone there makes me feel better. But what if God wants time with just  me? My friend was telling me a story yesterday about getting what we want and what we need, and knowing the difference. She was saying that someone had told her about something that they had been trying really hard, putting all their energy into making it happen, and it she wasn’t seeing results that she wanted. Finally one day she really let go of her control of it and let God work in it the way He intended. Things were great from that point. She went on to say that what if maybe the reason she wasn’t getting the results she wanted when she was doing it on her own was because God wanted her to lean on Him for strength and answers…and if her energy and effort was enough to make it happen than she wouldn’t look to God.

I’ve been looking at how this story is present in my current situation…what might God be trying to show me by not handing all of the answers and resources to me…when I’m honestly trying to make it all happen by my own strength.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9

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