I am really learning what friendship is. Both in happy and sad ways. But I know that both ways of learning this teach me something different, and although some of the experiences have not been ones that I would care to repeat…I have grown because of them.
For the most part, I’ve never been really good at making relationships with people my own age…not many that went beyond the surface. But I have seen this change, through my senior year a few of my relationships have been strengthened and deepened. This has been one of the most valuable changes that I have made lately, or more like has happened to me. Since I have been here, like I have said many times before…I have made relationships deeper and faster than I ever have. But I have made connections with people my own age. I can be honest about what I feel, what’s going on in my life, and I’m getting better at asking for help when I need it(this will take some time).
If you would have tried to ask me about this topic of friendship and relationships I have here a few days ago…or even a few weeks or months ago, my response would be totally different. And I won’t deny that I probably will not always have this same frame of mind about the subject as issues come and go. But right now I am focusing on the friendships that I do have. Today I was happily surprised when me and a friend were driving home from the store and she told me something she had said to one of her other friends: “Me and Sarah are actually good friends.” She was one of the first people I met here, and our friendships has been growing over the past few months…but it seems like more now than it ever was/has.
I was told that Winter 3 is the time where you get to catch up on sleep, watch all the movies you’ve never seen…but what I can take away from it is strengthened relationships with multiple friends! Many conversations about life. Where do I stand with this issue? What do I do now? How can I move forward? and simply finding out more of who I am…realizing some things that I didn’t know about myself.
I would rather have a handful of friends who I know will always be there to catch me when I fall, help build me up, call me out when needed, make me laugh and love me…than a thousand friends who I can never tell where I stand with. The friendships who live next door, down the street, a few hours away…or in another state. I wouldn’t change the true ones for the world.
Within this past week and a half I have been confronted with multiple changes of varying degrees. Some I took, dealt with them and moved on…others have proven to not be so easy to do this with. Most of these ones being situations that involve the many of my friends who will not be here next year, and finding a way to deal with that.
Of coarse some of these relationships are with people who I have truly connected with on a deep level, and valued my friendship with very much. The question came up of where do I place the value with these relationships? Do I place them in the one who gave me these people, or the relationship itself? Do I place my joy, happiness and thankfulness in the gift or the giver? This is the question I have been asking myself for the past few days. I don’t know where I stand with it…I know what I want my answer to be, but can I honestly say that it is true??
If God can see that we are in a sense idolizing something, will he take it away? Is that what’s happening? I don’t know. Is this Your way of showing me that I need to rely on You instead?…because You are the only one who is always there, even when everything that I place value in disappears.
Where do I go now? Not sure. I am continuing on this journey to try and place more and more of my trust and control in Your hands each day, each hour, each minute. There’s no reason for me to be scared…I hear it in song after song, read about it daily…so what’s keeping me?
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
…that it definetly has. There has been so much going on since I’ve been back. I’ve found that part of the reason why there has been such a gap in my blogging is because I simply don’t know what to write about. So if any of you have ideas about what I could write about, lemme know. 🙂
But if I had to sum up the past 2 weeks in a few words they would be: eye-opening, change, friendship and God.
It was a big struggle for me being back in FG after getting the chance to go home. But now looking back on my first few days here, I see God there waiting for me…I just didn’t see Him. There have been countless moments since then where I can see God, through others and in the circumstances that I am in. In just this past week I have seen God pull me out of a rut that I was in…and provide people here to encourage me along the way.
One thing that I never thought that I would be thankful for in so many people is the fact that they call me out…having people who don’t sugar coat things for me. If I say something that doesn’t line up, or don’t understand something I have people who help me to find answers. I have amazing people both here and in San Mateo. But one thing here that I have never had at home so many relationships that 1. have formed so quickly and deeply and 2. with people who understand my past…have walked the same road that I have and are now on the other side.
That’s all for now. Hopefully I will figure out something to keep writing about.
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all