Monthly Archives: September 2011

Light vs. dark

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The other night in our small group I was sharing about something that God has been teaching me through this past year, and he still is teaching me. Consistently I have been faced with situations that require ALL of me. When I was first here in Forest Grove, I found myself wanting to put everything on the table…lay all of my past out there…let it go…and move on from it. But that’s never easy, to just bypass all the walls that had been up.

“This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” John 3:19-21

As I’ve been back for the past month I have been facing this again, I have been asking myself a lot of questions about how I do things, how I live. What if I spent as much time looking for God as I do getting ready in the morning? What if I asked the questions that I really had in my heart? What if I talked to God as much as I talk to my friends? I have been re-examining my relationships with friends as well as the Lord.  I’m being challenged, asked to open my heart and let people see what is really there. To not withhold for fear of looking stupid or like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Come, weary and tired, worn out from life

Step out of the shadows and walk into light

Come, sinner or saint, slave-man or free

Bring blessings and offerings, then you shall you see

Bring blessings and offerings, then you shall see

There is a peace to settle your soul

There is a peace that is calling you home

You’ve been tempted and shaken, tested and failed

You’ve been so far from Jesus and too close to hell

Your vision’s been clouded by the world’s delight

But I tell you, you’re not of this world, so stand up and fight

He said you’re not of this world, so stand up and fight

There is a peace to settle your soul

There is a peace that is calling you home

There is a peace, perfect and true

The Prince of Peace is calling for you

~There is a Peace, Gungor

uncovered

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It’s not always
smiles and rainbows.
It’s not always fine and dandy.
That’s ok.

We hide benind the mask
we put on a face,
even though you see right through it.
The things we’re afraid to tell,
when we’re ashamed of our choices
you see it all.

You want us to bring them to you,
lay them at your feet.
Anxieties, worries, mistakes, questions

Rather than always trying
to pretend
that we have it all together,
that we know all the answers.

 

 “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitul.”

John 15:2

Childhood Perspective

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Morning start being woken up by mom
toaster waffles or cheerios
“Get your backpack
it’s off to school.”

Homework, TV
and sibling rivalry
family dinners
and saying grace

Sunday became so routine
wake up,
donut,
off to church
I could recite
all the stories
and sing you all the songs

But never let anyone in
behind my walls.

All this left
in the blink of an eye
but at the very same time
seemed like it would never come.
Wanting to let go
but holding on so tight.
Wanting to move on
and become my own
but clinging to a child’s life.

This started as an assignment for my education class, we were given a template of a poem to write about ourselves…then discovered that we could write whatever we wanted, however we wanted. So I just started writing. Childhood. This was an assignment that turned into so much more.

I’m reaching

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I know I need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
I long to feel you
I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you, is that so wrong?

~Tenth Avenue North, Times

Like a thirteen year old girl,

desperate to be independent

but still so dependent.

Goes to the mall,

but still asks for money.

I make my plans

but still need to ask for help

for grace and patience and love.

The little girl who holds daddy’s hand

as they cross the busy street.

You long for me to reach for your hand,

to ask for help

and to walk through my maze along side you.

But just like that girl so desperate

to break free.

So am I.

So I walk away

I come to a choice

a lighted path

that looks like a fairy tale,

that I must take on my own

or one less appealing in some aspects

but I would not take it alone.

There is a familiar friend there

to walk me through

and keep me safe.

The hands

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crashing
as the water piles over
in millions
and thousands of tons

we stand in amazement
and try with all our might
to fathom the One who could
make such a wonderful work

we fear the power
and strength
that comes as we flow downstream.

the same hands that carved each mountain
filled each river lake and ocean
that gave life to each animal
and put each star in its place
they are strong enough
to carry this world and all the children
but they were gentle enough
to create each of us
to mold the clay
to make each an individual
perfect in His sight.

This weekend we had the amazing opportunity to go white water rafting on the White Salmon River! It was awesome! Prior to actually getting in the boat and realizing that I could do it and was going to be safe(even if I did fall out)…I was terrifed!! But once I calmed down I had the opportunity to just take in God’s amazing creation and see the variation and beauty in that! The image that has stayed in my mind is the water crashing on the rocks and making the rapids. The water had such force and power! I can not even put words to describe the feeling that it brought me to, other than amazement and awe.

The same hands that made everything and everyone that is around me, created me. From the most obvious things to the most insignificant. Those things that I like and don’t. Each detail, was made with a purpose. I am the clay molded by the potter.

When I ran

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When I ran from You
I ran to You
And when I tried to hide
I found You there
When I told You no
You knew right where I’d go
So when I ran from You
I ran to You

There’s no way to get far away from You
There’s no way to get far away from You
There’s nowhere I could go
That You’re not already there
There’s no way to get far away from You

There is no height or depth
To hold you back
There is no tower veil
To hide your face
‘Cause you tore it down
Now we see You all around
So when we run from You
We run to You

I fell so far
I was so far gone
Then I saw You
Yeah I saw You
I’ve climbed so high
That I could not breathe
Then I saw You there
You called me close and my heart gave in
Then I saw You yeah I saw You
Well what matters the most –
In the midst of my sin
I saw You there
I saw You there

When I ran from You
I ran to You

Being back here at school has been a week full of so many different emotions. Some predicted and others that came out of nowhere. The one that has surprised me the most, in how have I have been dealing with it, has been the lonliness. Almost all of my friends from last year are not returning this year…and that has taken a tole on me. When people would ask me about it within the first week, my response was that I was ok with it. I was ok not having a roommate, and that there weren’t a whole lot of friends around(because I knew I had the family that I had become a part of last year with Refuge and PCF). This was a true statement at the time, since the day I found out my roommate cancelled her enrollment here, I was trying to look at the situation with eyes with the filter of how God could use that…what was he going to teach me through it this time? It was giving me more time to focus on my relationship with him, spending time with people from PCF…and of coarse my HW(that’s a big part of why I’m here afterall..) I truly did believe this, and was looking in every situation for something to hold on to that would help me get through the next day or few hours until God might reveal himself to me again. As friday rolled around I was excited for the full weekend that we had coming. But it was also the night that I realized how dependent I can be on people, and how much of my attitude is related to that. It was also the night that I finally was real with myself and even though it hurt…I let myself feel what it was that had been slowly working the whole week. This song has been placed in very essential and impactful times throughout my week, but especially that night. Even though I wasn’t constantly surrounded by people like I would have chosen…God is constantly surrounding me and holding me in his arms like a little girl being held by her dad.

When I told You no
You knew right where I’d go
So when I ran from You
I ran to You

These few lines from the song have been the ones that have been recently sticking with me the most. When I tell God no, and decide to do things my way…God knows where that leads me, and so he meets me there. I had never really thought about it in that kind of a way, that by trying to runa way from God, I often end up running to him. And instead of trying to continue to run I am relinquishing my grip.

When you find me

I feel so small

like a child who tries to count all the stars in the sky

and then realizes that there are so many

that the sky is so big.

We are a tiny part

of something so much bigger.

Like a little girl

wide eyes,

stairing up

with so many questions…

but no clue where to start.

Who tried to run,

but you knew just where it would lead her.

And you met me there.

No repremands,

no judgement.

Just love

and arms wide open.

Provision

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The peace that I find in this song is in being reminded that when I have given all of me, exhausted all my resources and energy…God is still there and providing. The past few days have been a rollercoaster of exhaustion, excitement, anxiety, stress, happiness, community and family. And as I’m sitting here beginning to freak out over the fact that I don’t have a job yet…and the availabilities are less and less…this line is constantly running through my mind. “How can I come to the end of me but somehow still have all I need?” No matter if I get a job or not…God will provide for me the things I need. He made a way for me to get here this year, and has provided in so many different ways already, all that’s missing is my trust. Complete trust.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philipians 4:6-7