Monthly Archives: September 2010

Brother

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Today was one of the most amazing days of my life! I had the amazing opportunity to be part of an autism walk. This was such a powerful experience for me! I was in tears at the event during the opening ceremony because of how much I missed my brother. One of the girls I was with from school has a sister who also has autism, and her sister was there with her. I saw how she was acting with her, and it made me think of how John and I are together. I love him so much! He is my reason for being at this school, doing what I’m doing. I’ve known this for basically as long as it’s been true, but I don’t think I ever realized how much I love him and  how happy he makes me until now, when I was so far away from him.

xoxo sarah

Day of prayer

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I can’t say that these past 18 years have been exactly what I would say I wanted them to be…there has been lots of pain, broken relationships, but also many new and dependable stable relationships, laughs, growth and life. One thing that I do know for sure is that there has not been enough growth in one area of my life, and that is with the Lord. I have been attending the same church for my whole life pretty much…I have always had some sort of “fear” of making this claim, but now I realize that if I want to be able to move forward, I must. I have never in the place that I want with Him. I have seen many people reach this point in their walk, and heard stories upon stories…but never known for myself.

I want to make a true commitment to change this fact, I am at a new beginning in my life and I want to be a new person. I have the chance to be the person who I really do want to be.

Yesterday made me think about alot of things, #2 was how amazingly blessed I am! I cannot shake this feeling that I have here…I am still homesick quite a bit, but I have found a place where people who only met me less than 2 weeks ago have embraced me in every sense of the word and pulled me into their family. Last night the night was centered around the passage Ephesisans 6:10-20. Looking back at the events leading up to this night, I realized that God had been sort of wearing me down all day, all week…so that I would be in a humble place to hear the words. I was reminded that I can’t and don’t need to do this all on my own, I just need to ask for help.

After being brought down to this point, so I could really hear what He was trying to tell me….I was so encouraged! Refuge does this thing, that I love! They just take 5-10 minutes, however long it takes, and give people the time to tell eachother how they have been encouraged by others in the circle. The room becomes filled, with even more than is already there, this feeling of love and family and happiness. A few people spoke up and made comments to me about how quickly I’d become involved in Refuge and PCF…and it just made me feel good inside, I am finding people here who I connect with.

I realized, after about 100 chances that maybe the reason why it’s been so hard for me to adjust here, and make friends and all that stuff is that He wanted me in a vulnerable state when I found PCF…so I would hear the message with humble and open ears. and run to Him.

xoxo sarah

Light

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You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I’m overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one’s there? Will You hear my prayer?

When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won’t let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you’re made for more, so don’t be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don’t wait, and don’t you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you’re not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown
He won’t let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you’re made for more, so don’t be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

Step out, even when it’s storming
Step out, even when you’re broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can’t see where you’re going
You don’t have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you’re made for more, so don’t be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too

~”Walk on the Water” Britt Nicole

The big picture

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I’m beginning to see the big picture, well parts of it…I will never be able to see all of it. I was beginning to get real discouraged at the fact that I was having a hard time finding people, who would have a positive impact on me and my attitude. But one night, that’s where it started. I went to a BBQ that a group here at school was putting on, PCF. From there I met some people and found out about a church that meets literally 5 minutes from me. So I went last night to that, and I felt like a part of home was with me. There was a feeling that I had that felt like I was back in my old youth group…the feeling of family, even though I wasn’t really part of it yet. There was just something that I felt, I’m not exactly sure what it was…but it was powerful and I love it. So from there I spent some time with the other women in the church and I’ve found something here…a sort of safe haven again.

I won’t lie, I was not looking forward to this whole thing of having to find a new church and group to plug myself into… but I am SO glad that I found PCF. I look forward to going to all the different things that they do…even though I’m not around the friends I made at first as much, I’m ok with it…because there’s something different in these new friendships I’ve made. When just about a year ago, I started looking at other youth groups…I knew that this time would be coming. I’d be away at college and needing to find some other group again…so needless to say, I was worried and hesitant to get involved in anything. I do not like trying new things and putting myself out in uncomfortable situations, no one does…but I can honestly say that I am soo glad that I did this time!

It’s funny, the topic that we talked about tonight at the small group I went to was encouragement, what encourages us; and what discourages us. PERFECT!!!!! I am so excited to see where this year goes now!

xoxo sarah

Update

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As of this moment, I am taking 18 credits. But I have made the decision to drop this down to 17[I know, such a big drop right?…] because I will be needing to take on a second job to get as much financial support as possible. Currently I have been hired at Harvey Clarke Elementary School in Forest Grove, Oregon. It is about a 10 minute walk from my dorm. I will be tutoring 3rd graders in math 2 days a week for an hour a day. Now this works perfectly with my schedule because I can do everything….the only problem is I am only getting minimum wage @ 2 hours a week…not enough to sustain the commitments I have. So I am looking into a second job, hopefully if things go the way I want them to. There is a job working in the Special Education Department of another school in the area…I want it to work out so bad!! But unfortunately I have to wait until monday to be able to get ahold of the person in charge. So I wait…

So as a sacrifice, I will be having to drop out of the choir. This is a sad decision for me to make, but I had began to think about it before the realization of this job situation even came up. I LOVE singing, but this is entirely not what I thought it was going to be.

There are 2 things that I am very excited about anyways! I have found PCF, Pacific Christian Fellowship. It is an oncampus group through a local church, that I will begin attending on sunday night. I am very excited to get more involved in this group, through the small groups they have as well as many activities.

I have also made the decision to pledge into a sorority. Well, let me rephrase that…if the weeks prior to pledging do not overwhelm me…hopefully by then I will have my two jobs underway and will get the feeling of how that, classes, PCF and having a social life are going to balance out. If I think I will be able to handle the sorority…I am going to pledge. I really want to do this for multiple reasons, but some of them are:

  • I am a very shy person and this will require me to put myself out there and try new things as well as meet new people.
  • I will get more involved in the school community as well as the community around.
  • Repeat I know…but that is because this is one of my driving factors…it will require me to meet new people and try new things!!

I have also come across the idea of double majoring. This will be a very bold choice if I choose so to do it. If I do, I will be double majoring in Exercise Science-Motor Behavior and Education. If I do this, and it will probably be held of until the start of my sophmore year…but it is still on my mind.

I am very excited and hopeful to see how this all plays out.

xoxo sarah

Pacific University of Oregon

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I didn’t think that it was going to take this long for me to get “homesick” but I also thought it would take WAY longer. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect…a huge part of me has been ready to go away to college for a long time.

Coming to college has given me the chance to start over, no one here knows me…or how I was in high school…they don’t know my past. My goal in coming here was to leave all that behind and change the things that needed to be changed. But so far, I am not so sure how well that is working out. I am trying to make myself more of an outgoing person who is willing to talk to and make friends with more people…and I have, unfortunately those who I have made friends with aren’t around all the time. There are people who are “the populars” and it just seems like we’re right back in high school again…and I don’t want to be. Part of the reason that I choose this school was for the size. Our freshman class is roughly 600 students, that’s very small.

Why I choose this school?:

  • Location: I love Oregon, it’s gorgeous. And there was just something that I fell in love with when I saw the school.
  • Distance: With the exception of one school in Michigan, this was the farthest away that all of my school were. I could have chosen the one that was about an hour away from home and could have been like my friends here and going home every weekend…but I chose not to. Part of choosing to come to Forest Grove was the fact that I knew I would have to be on my own, I would not have the comfy support system that I’ve gotten used to having around me.
  • Size: 600ish freshman!! That’s basically the size of half of my high school. And we are the biggest freshman class to ever come in, thanks to the new football team. But I really like the size because it was big enough that if there were some people I did not exactly connect with, I probably wouldn’t have to see them a whole lot; but I would have a fair chance at getting to know pretty much everyone by my senior year…at least that’s what they told us.
  • My major: Pacific has one of the best programs for Exercise Science(which will eventually lead me to Occupational Therapy). In our freshman class alone, there are around 150 students in an exercise science major. Now again, we have been told that in past years the students thinking of ES and the ones that acutally graduate with a degree in it are significantly different. But besides that, and I know I am getting ahead of myself a little big. But their graduate school has one of the top 3 graduate programs for Occupational Therapy in the COUNTRY! I could not overlook this.
  • Money: As many people have asked me, how am I going to a private school? The answer is financial aid. If I would not have recieved the generous amount that I did not only from the school but outside foundations and organizations, I would be sitting at home in my old bedroom attending CSM or some other community college.

That’s pretty much it…

xoxo sarah