It’s been a long time since I’ve been successful at udpating this. I have tried many times. The business overtakes, the worries seem too much, and the good seems too good for words. So much is happening I don’t know where to start.
I am happy. When I thought about moving away for school, I never thought that I would be this happy. I didn’t think I would enjoy pursuing the knowledge I am this much. I didn’t think I would ever have a sense of family like I did before..in some ways I was right…this one is different, this one is stronger. The past 2 months have dug deeper into my heart than I thought was there-I didn’t think that I could have had a more life changing year than the last…don’t ever say that. It has been filled with laughs, smiles, memories, new foods 🙂 and words of encouragement. When I think about how it has been different than last year, let alone the past 18 years, I am constantly surrounded with examples of how to be living for Christ. The excitement that is given off about Jesus, the change that it makes-all makes me want to change more. This has not all come with rainbows and unicorns, it has included hard questions and laying aside my inhibitions.
There has been alot of fear and anxiety clouding my vision of what has been happening. Doubt that I won’t be good enough, that I won’t know what to do or say, that I will fail, that I’m not enough. Instead of being built up in a false way and being told that I am enough on my own, and that I will always know what to say…I have been reminded that I am enough when I ask God to help me fill the holes, that He will give me the right words to say.
“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.” ~Francis Chan, Crazy Love.
Our leadership team has been reading through this book together in an attempt to understand more of this crazy love and how it really should change our lives. This quote about worry and stress calls me out and makes me examine who I believe God to be, and who he is in my life. When I worry about what to say or not being good enough, what is my purpose in that? Is it because I don’t want to look like a fool or is it because I truly care and want to be used by God in every way possible-and I want to truly be able to make a difference? The answer to this question can bring out an aspect of each of us that we don’t like to admit. Pride. When I keep my mouth closed because I want to maintain an image that everyone sees-the focus is on me. When I keep quiet because I am afraid of misspeaking-I need to turn to God and ask him to put the right words into my mouth.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.This verse reminds me that it’s okay that I don’t know everything, it gives hope and security that God doesn’t leave us to figure all this out on our own. He is there to hold our hand and walk through life with us.
I hope to be back soon with more adventures to tell 🙂