In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
As the past few days of summer have been coming to an end, and I am sitting in the airport waiting to begin another year of my new life. My heart is perplexed with so many different feelings. Excitement. Anxiety. Peace. Fear. Love. Longing. There has been alot of reflection in the past few days, in the summer as a whole. There have been many lessons taught, both that I had seen coming and other that blind sighted me. Ones that stripped me down and made me realize just how weak I am apart from Christ.
I never know what is too much to post in one of these things, sometimes I start writing and when I see some of the things I write…I think, I can’t put this out for the whole world to see. But what if I did, what if I let go of my mask that I hold on to so tightly? What if I let people see the real me? If I answered questions truly truthfully, emotion and all…This has been a question I have been struggling with this past year. I found myself having conversations, sharing and loving in a way that I never had before. This strength and vulnerability and desire for change was not coming from me alone, but from the One who knew all of my insecurities, fears and secrets already. The past 3 months have been filled with answers and more questions. With a new way for me to look at my Father, and what he wants for and from me.
I am a daughter. A daughter of a king. Being brought to my knees daily, painful days and weeks, was probably one of the best things that happened. Having the things that I valued so much, held on a pedestal…and defined myself by, challenged and examined in relation to what I was professing as the ultimate desire of my life, Christ. It doesn’t matter what I look like, my relationship status, the number of friends I have, the number in my bank account…I have been and am being pursued by someone much better than anyone I could find on this earth. I have been shown more love through one sacrifice than any amount of friends and family could show me. I am beautiful and valued in a way that no one can see or take away from me.
As expected to come from such difficult conversations, there was raw emotion…my heart was laid out on the floor in front of someone, I was
at my most vulnerable. But unexpected was the closure I was beginning to find(that doesn’t mean the pain is gone, in fact it might have been the start)…but I knew what I was feeling now. I had lost a part of myself and was desperately wanting and frantically searching to get it back. But I can’t. So now starts a rebuilding. But this time will be different, because my foundation is different, stronger. My rock is not in the flesh, but in the one who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
Through the reading I have been doing these past few weeks God has been speaking to me in a new way, He has revealed to me the little girl that lives inside of me. Showing me the longings of her heart, the scars and bruises that she brings to me as well as the joys. When this journey began I didn’t know what to think, part of me pushed it away…I wanted to keep those memories and questions and unfulfilled desires buried. But as I continued to walk in this, I began to want to uncover those things, I deeply desired to let that little girl, who is a part of me, grow along with me…in the life that I have now.
For so long I have feared having to face the past, the messages that I sent myself about who I was and what life was about. But now I stand with them here in front of me. Instead of looking at it as something to flee from, I am looking at it as a gift. The chance to look at who I am and who I am becoming and turn around…to pursue Christ with my heart and life.
How great is our God
Sing with me how great is our God
All will see how great, how great
is our God
Name above all names
You are worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God.
From the surface of my skin
To the depths of my soul within
I give you all of me
All the secrets of my heart
Every word and every thought
I give you all of me
Oh my heart’s in need of holding
And my soul’s in need of truth
Come be near me
Come surrond me, yeah
I lift my hands in sweet surrender
I’m falling humbly on my knees
I fix my gaze upon your splendor
How I love your majesty
You captivate me
Come into my darkest place
Step inside, invade this space
I give you all of me
All the secrets of my heart
Every word and every thought
I give you all of me
~ Captivate Me, Tenth Avenue North
I was unexpectidly blessed with hearing this song today. I just clicked a playlist and was letting it go, but when this song began it stopped me in my tracks. I had never heard it, in the years that I’ve been listening to this band. But as I stopped what I was doing and really just listened to what they were saying, this song put words to what my heart was feeling…when I didn’t understand what it was. I have been reading the book Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge and the chapter that I’ve been reading most recently has been talking about the ways that God reveals himself to us and how he shows us how much he loves us!
“Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from the first breath in order to win your heart. God’s version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunset and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens and fierce devotion.”
~ Captivating, 116.
The first time I read this quote, it really made me think…this whole book has been making me look through a different lense at how I see God, and who he is to me. I’ve always been told that God wants a personal relationship with me, but this book has taken me even deeper into that idea and shown me what it means in new and different ways. Yesterday, I spent hours just sitting outside in the middle of a bunch of trees..listening to the wind, the birds and the leaves, the laughter of the kids next door. There was a peace, and calming-ness of just being there. This quote said just that, those things were God showing himself to me, showing me that he was there with me…even though I question it and cried out because I couldn’t feel it.
I am always surprised when I go through struggles like the past day or two and then get to a place where I can look back and see all the ways that God provided and really was there with me. God shows in me in millions of different ways every day….I just need to have eyes that are open to seeing them, and willing to look when it’s not spelled out in front of me.
Matthew 6:28-34 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
We confess our wrongs
and pray for forgiveness.
Knowing that you are our loving Father.
You take them away,
as far as the east is from the west.
You pull us out of the muck,
the pit of life,
You hold us and carry us,
like a parent carries a child.
We are your children.
Despite the countless times and ways
we turn away from you,
you are always there with open arms.
Ready to take us in,
love us, teach us
and watch us grow.
“God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hidng under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and place it in his and answered her question. He held her and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn’t have to be strong. He told her she wasn’t a rock but a child. An innocent child. His child. He didn’t condemn her for anything but instead understood her and loved her! He told her she was special…like no other and that she had special gifts like no other. She knew his voice and trusted him. She could hear the pleasure He had for her in His voice and felt His delight in her as He talked. He was so gentle and loving she couldn’t help but melt in His arms.”
~ Captivating, page 104
Do you ever have one of those nights where you just want to write…to get out all the emotion that is inside of you, but have no idea how to do it…what words to use. (Not even sure if anyone actually reads this, I think it is more for me…) I am there right now. I could sit and talk with my friends about life, family, God, school…whatever…for hours, I only wish that there weren’t things like jobs, sleep and life that had to get in the way of those relationship growing conversations! 🙂 I wish that I could just spill everything that is on my mind right now into this post, but I won’t…
Being home for the summer, this was honestly one of the things that I missed the most about my friends in FG…I miss the conversations, the openness, the reality that we shared with eachother. But here and there I have had the chance to engage in some time with people and talk about the things that really matter, the things that are really on my heart…and their hearts. Something that I am learning to be more okay with as I’m growing, is silence. My first instinct when I’m in the middle of silence is to run, I get fidgety (even more than usual) and I just feel like I need to say something to fill that silence. But I have been learning that silence is ok, and sometimes sitting in silence with someone can speak more to what they are dealing with, than hours of words. Eye contact, holding hands, smiles…these are the things that make me love these conversations and these simple gestures show that they care, that I care.
I’m not reallly sure why I’m writing this…it’s therapeutic. I am continually reminding myself that God works through and encourages when we are vulnerable and have open spaces in our life.
A couple of my friends have been inspired me through their daily blogging in response to scriptures, songs, and feelings through poems and pictures. There have been a few songs over the past few days that have kindled something in me, and made me want to write my own responses…not all of them have worked out the way I thought they would. I have the feelings in my head, the ideas of what I want to get across…but I cannot find those perfect words that can convey what I really mean.
When I was a little girl
nothing held me back.
I could do anything,
be anyone I wanted to be.
I wasn’t afraid of trying new things.
These hesitations that keep me now…
Made by just one person,
I used to face my fears, monsters
full on, head first.
Where am I now?
Now I am running.
Running from what I’ve wanted for so long.
I’m wandering around in circles
like a lost little puppy without a home.
Searching for just one thing,
One to guide me through this next stage of life.
Like the night light I had when I was younger.
With this child like voice,
and child like strength
I’m calling out to you.
Come find me, rescue me
and take me home.