Author Archives: sarahbear91

a prayer

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Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

Some most of these words are ones that I never thought I would be asking God for, that my prayers would be filled with “make me broken, lonely and empty”. When I heard this song for the first time yesterday it fit perfectly in its place with where I’m at right now, and I knew that this was God reaching out to me trying to show me how much He wants me to run to Him.

A few weeks ago I read something in Life of the Beloved, by Henri Nouwen about being broken. He said that “the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it. When brokenness is, in fact, just as intimate a part of our being as our chosenness and blessedness, we have to dare to overcome our fear and become familiar with it.” I have been through some very drastic highs and lows this semester, and not ’til recently did I begin to look at  these things as gifts in a way. Without some of these things I wouldn’t be who I am not and I would probably be doing my own thing and have given up on trying to find God. One of the things that I’ve learned through these past few months about these struggles has been in where I place my value. Most of it is in people at the moment, which is why it hurts so much.

“Make me empty
So I can be filled
Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me”

I want to be able to say that God is what fills me up, where I find joy, comfort, reassurance, direction. I can’t say “I’m completed when You are with me”…it’s more like “I know I will be completed with You here with me”. Lately the way that I look at songs has changed, instead of singing that God is enough for me, and that I stand in awe of Him…when that’s not where my heart is majority of the time, in fullness…I’ve been singing these songs more as a prayer, as a request to God to help me make this my life.

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely”

In the beginning of the year I looked at my time and its value in terms of how many and which people I spent time with. So when the answer to that was low, or no one…I would get very discouraged. But as the months have rolled by, I’ve had more experiences of all kinds around this subject, I’ve began to look at time alone differently. I like always having people around, even if it’s just simply doing HW together, just having someone there makes me feel better. But what if God wants time with just  me? My friend was telling me a story yesterday about getting what we want and what we need, and knowing the difference. She was saying that someone had told her about something that they had been trying really hard, putting all their energy into making it happen, and it she wasn’t seeing results that she wanted. Finally one day she really let go of her control of it and let God work in it the way He intended. Things were great from that point. She went on to say that what if maybe the reason she wasn’t getting the results she wanted when she was doing it on her own was because God wanted her to lean on Him for strength and answers…and if her energy and effort was enough to make it happen than she wouldn’t look to God.

I’ve been looking at how this story is present in my current situation…what might God be trying to show me by not handing all of the answers and resources to me…when I’m honestly trying to make it all happen by my own strength.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9

it’s not just “x”

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Right now I’m overwhelmed with frustration and sorrow for the ways that some people think and see other people. I’m being faced head on with contradictions and ignorance from people about the world of people with disabilities. Can we all just take a moment and before we label someone as “autistic”, ” dyslexic”, “ADHD”…really look at them as a human being. One who has feelings, dreams, strengths and weaknesses, talents, gifts and challenges just like all the rest of us.

“Autism, is part of my child, it’s not everything he is.”

Such a huge part of why I want to be a SPED teacher is for the parents, family members, friends and general

people who come in contact with people with disabilities. I want to be there to answer questions, show love and acceptance, be a support through the struggle and expand the community of people who recognize that just because there is a difference between you and me doesn’t make you any less valued of a person.

They’re not “an autism” or “autistic child”…they are a child who has autism.

He’s not the “CP kid”…he’s a kid who has cerebral palsy.

She’s not the “deaf girl”…she is a girl with a hearing impairment.

They aren’t the “retards”…they’re the kids with a developmental delay or intellectual disability.

It’s not “wheelchair bound”…it’s I need a wheelchair to help me.

It’s not suffering…it’s a part of who they are…a part of their individual life and the way God made them.

LEGGOOO!!!!

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You know when you are so excited for something, and it is within your grasp, but still distant at the same time. Well, I’m there right now. Spring break has begun!!! and in approximately 4 hours I will be loading into a van with 10 other students and a few friends to begin our trek towards LA for the week. My night so far has consisted of: laundry, cleaning, Fame, packing, Pizza Schmizza, Mamma Mia…and now I’m sitting with Hercules playing in the background and a friend sleeping on my couch…as I’m watching the clock slowly change.

The anticipation of this coming week does not come without memories, stories, lessons and adventures from this time last year. Here’s to another great week, let’s do this!!

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You know spring break is close, and I’m ready to be soaking in the California sun again…when I have no motivation to study, or do much of anything…despite the act that I have an exam in 4 hours. Maybe its the weather, maybe it’s the knowing that we’re so close, maybe it’s me…but it’s just one of those days…when something is off, but you can’t pinpoint the cause or do much of anything to make it better. This song has been on my mind a lot this past week,

Healing Begins, Tenth Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

No title fits

I want to live like that

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Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I’m only just a memory
When I’m home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I’ll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true

People pass
And even if they don’t know my name
Is there evidence that I’ve been changed
When they see me, do they see You

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I’m longing for the world to know the glory of the King

This song, Phillipians 4:6-7 and God’s love have pulled me out of the spin cycle that I seemed to be stuck in today. Thank you God for your love, strength and eyes watching over me…knowing how much I can handle, even when I don’t think I can.

Think of the lillies

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Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve been here. As I’m sitting here staring out my front window, in the corner chair that I have claimed as mine–I look into a cluster of leafless trees and gray skies. No homework to be done, Gungor in the background 🙂 and coffee in hand.

So many thoughts running through my head, fighting for my attention. I’m reflecting on a passage we talked about in our small group last night, Matthew 6: 19-34. Do not worry. Easy enough right? This past week it was very easy for me to forget this and let myself fall into the frenzy of being consumed by every detail and possible outcome that could happen. I was at a loss this week, trying to complete a project that was overwhelming, frustrating and annoying to no end; be a good friend, available and patient when I was needed; keep up with all my other classes; and figure out what our small group was going to focus on for the week…in short, this was one of those weeks where all my commitments caught up and joined together. Tuesday night I realized that I was two days away from our small group, had an exam at 8 the next morning, and still had 5 miles to go with this project…and when I let go of the control and asked for help, God opened my eyes and gave me an answer to the question I had been stressing over all week. It was this passage.

The past two days has been full of those moments when all the pieces seem to come together…the stress I’m feeling, questions I’m asking, conversations leading to this week…God has had a plan for each and every one of them.

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Matthew 6:28-30.

For a change

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Words flow from my mouth

and into your ears

my heart

is made to be seen

to be held

but in the end

there is no protective shield

that comes over my heart

it is left exposed

hurt

and burdened

I pass over the threshold

of the barrier

between reality

and my facade

the tears stream

questions are asked

but it seems

no answers are given

Why do the tears only come

when no one is near

to wipe them away

to hold me

and tell me I will make it through.

I run to You

with fears

questions

tears

hurts

lay them at your feet

but just for a change

can there be someone

to pick up my broken pieces

and help me finish my puzzle