So I started this a week late, I found it here https://betterthanahallelujah4041.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/write-it-girl/ ) I’m challenging myself to this. So many times I begin to write something and then delete it or filter so much of what I am feeling. I am trying to become more transparent and open in my interactions with other people as well as with God. There is a voice inside my head that still tells me “They won’t accept you if they knew that part about you. They won’t love you. You can’t be good because of that part of your past. You aren’t worth their friendship and love.” These are all lies that Satan has fed into my head, and that I have believed for much of my life until I became a part of a community that shed some light on those lies. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I have believed these ridiculous things, and still, to this day struggle with many of them.
It’s funny when I reflect like this, and like in a conversation I had today with a friend, how everything really does seem to be connected. The struggles I have been facing through the past month, the questions I have been asking, scriptures I have been reading, my reading Grace for the Good Girl, even as far back as discussions and struggles I faced over this past summer…it’s all connected. And it makes sense, because it all comes down to my heart, and where I place it. Do I place it in the world, with the opportunity of being crushed and violated or do I place it at God’s feet, and let him pick me up and carry me through life? The second one sounds much more appealing and comforting doesn’t it?? I think so. This makes me think of those footprint in the sand poems, the one that I remember reading describes a dream in which a man saw scenes from his life. In each scene there were two sets of footprints, one his and one God’s; but he noticed that in some of the scenes, the ones that turned out to be the lowest of his life, when he faced trials, there was only one set of footprints. So he turned to God and asked him about it.
“Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during
the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when I needed you the most
you would leave me.”
The Lord replied,
“My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then I carried you.”
This is such a powerful image for me, and helps me be able to connect the idea of God as my father to my relationship with him. We can’t understand the vastness of the love, grace and mercy that he showed us…but we can love him with all our hearts and try to make our lives look as his, loving as he did.