You know spring break is close, and I’m ready to be soaking in the California sun again…when I have no motivation to study, or do much of anything…despite the act that I have an exam in 4 hours. Maybe its the weather, maybe it’s the knowing that we’re so close, maybe it’s me…but it’s just one of those days…when something is off, but you can’t pinpoint the cause or do much of anything to make it better. This song has been on my mind a lot this past week,
Healing Begins, Tenth Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
You pick me up
and carry me away
with the strength
of who you are.
to keep this broken leg
out of harms way.
You shield me
in what could be a deadly disaster.
As the tears roll down my cheek
you gently wipe them away
that I will be okay.
You don’t promise
You don’t say no pain, no hurt.
Instead you bring love
This has seem to become a tradition that happens whenever I am waiting in one of these terminals.
step in and out
between my two lives
from one to the next
not knowing what’s coming
I pray for good days
I long to bring
to that home
what I have
in this home
This has been a semester like no other, I can’t believe I’ve made it through…and now it’s time to take a break and go back to where I’m from. There’s a knot in the pit of my stomach, I can’t tell why. Anxiety? Excitement? Lack of food? All of the above? None of the above? I have no idea. I’m awaiting the crazy little red head boy who is going to tackle me when I get home…but I am already missing the crazy girls I call my sisters, the kids who I love to joke around with, and everyone else who makes this home for me.
Peace out Forest Grove, are you ready San Mateo??
Sometimes the sitting in silence is all I want. The quiet comfort with knowing you’re here. The unsaid understanding that we have for each other is one that is scarce and hard to come by, I am lucky because I have.
I have been experiencing what true friendship means. the ones that don’t need a label, don’t need constant maintance, they just are. Knowing that no matter what I tell them, what mistake I make or what disagreement we might have…there is always a way to get through it because we are connected by a love that is greater than anything. I may not have alot of friends at the moment, but I have the most amazing sisters ever! I love you girls! :]
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.”
I have been struggling alot lately with patience and being the friend who I should be to people. When I am exhausted, stressed or just trying to figure out my own life…I can’t always take on that of another. I get short and don’t love the way I am called to. It’s made me think, if Jesus were here with me…how often would he get frustrated with me? be completely justified in giving up on me or blowing his cap? Too often. So what makes it okay then for me to act in that same way? It’s not. I have been learning alot about grace lately. Not only how much God has shown me, but how much others show me. I constantly fail and could do things better, differently. But they do not jump ship on me or find a way to get out of it.
While we were in Seaside a few weeks ago my pastor presented a question to us about what the “mission statement” of our life would be. I have been being reminded over and over these past few months of loving others, and that if I love Christ, that is shown through loving others. In being patient, forgiving and understanding of the things I can’t change. My mission statement seems simple when I say it, as though there isn’t much to it, but it is a challenge that anyone would be challenged to take on. To show the same love and grace that God has shown me to those who I call family and friends as well as those who have hurt me or are strangers. If I truly treated each person I came into contact with as if they were Jesus, how would my life look different?
Hey there, yeah I’m still alive. This is the season of exams, papers and nights of less than adequate sleep. It’s been a crazy few weeks since I last posted…I definitely did not pick a good time to start “31 days of…” In the time since I last posted I went to Seaside, OR with a group of crazy college students from campus who are part of an even bigger family with a Father who loves us more than we know! I love these people!! (Hopefully there will be a post to come about that retreat because it was AWESOME!) I spent time with friends from my church for the Thanksgiving holiday, that was all an adventure in itself 🙂 Everything from trying pumpkin pie, pineapple, and apple pie to going to the snow and cutting down a Christmas tree for the first time, being part of a snow ball fight that lasted for close to 2 hours, sleepovers, homesickness, late night talks and lots of fun! Now we’re in the final stretch of the semester. 5 days left of official classes and then it’s just study study study until finals and then HOME!
In the meantime, I was given an assignment for one of my classes to write about a group of people in my schooling until now that I, or other people, identified as “the other”. We were given creative freedom and this is what I came up with:
they come and go
at their own pace,
in their own way.
wheeling, limping, holding a hand
go in their ears
but we don’t see the wounds they leave
we watch and don’t say a word
hoping that it will go away
joy and excitement
fill their eyes
at the simplest things
we laugh when they jump
and flap their arms
turn away to ignore,
as if we’re embarrassed
at the spinning in circles
biting, pinching, hitting
thinking that it will all go away
if we pay it no attention
some look at them
but who gave you
the power to judge
the call to make
those who pity them
that jumping that you turn your head to
is pure happiness
possibly more than any of us know
they don’t fit within our mold
of happy and successful,
but they are perfect with every imperfection.
a glass jar sits on a table
slowly it’s nugged closer
to the edge,
but being careful to never let it fall.
one day an earthquake comes
the class shakes back and forth
and we’re afraid it’s going to fall
but it doesn’t
it is one piece
and continues to be
so here we are again
until one day…
we push it off
watch it fall
we think there is no way to get it back,
no fixing that can be done
but oh so wrong we are.
gently we pick up each piece
and lay them side by side.
the new adventure is,
putting them back together.
the jaded edges,
the chips and scrapes,
a special, individual, creation.
No matter where I’ve been, no matter where I am. God will take my just as I am, whole, broken, shattered. He just wants me. Sometimes it takes the shattering to be able to really understand. And without being there, we can’t be made into something new. Something better.
“But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn’t hard
But You promised You’d take care of me
So I’ll stop searching for the answers
I’ll stop praying for an escape
And I’ll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
When my friends and my family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me You take the broken things
And turn them into beautiful”
Britt Nicole, Have Your Way